I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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