If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
