I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
third nipple confirmed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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