hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
