i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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