i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
