i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
