please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
