I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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