Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
