Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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