You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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