3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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