I think my fart just growled at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
