i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
