I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
