just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize