Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
