Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
