Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
