I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
