if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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