i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
