Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Last time i carry you out of a forest
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
