In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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