Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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