I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
