i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
