Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
