I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
