capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
