the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I am naked and annoyed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
