; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
