Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
