Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
