so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
