I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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