just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
MIDGETS
????
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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