"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Randomize
