Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
