The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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