Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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