My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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