I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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