I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
