Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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