Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's not a walk of shame if you run
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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