Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My liver just broke up with me...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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