A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
