as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
