ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
