if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
