maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
