I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
