Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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