I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
