Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I had to cum in my sink.
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