i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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