I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
