i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Holy sore nipples Batman
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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