so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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